(Source: youpagedme)

i was born & raised in columbus, ga. i grew up with my mom, dad & my sister maiya. my half brother, vinnie lived with us for a short time but things started to get really heated between him & my dad so he moved out. my half sister bianca always lived with her biological mom in memphis, so unfortunately i didn’t get to see her much.

my childhood had it’s ups & downs. i was the short chubby one & my sister was the tall stick figure. it was hard for me to find my creative niche. my sister was a dancer, my dad was an artist. and he was really hard on me about my weight alll the time. when maiya and i would go outside to play, he’d make me stay out longer, make me run extra laps, etc, etc.. it really started to affect my self-esteem  i became really self-conscious.

despite everything though, my dad & i were very alike. we got each other. our creative sides coincided with each other almost perfectly. we had that same “creative eye”. there was still apart of me, though, that hated him for making me feel bad about my body.

when i was in third grade, my dad told me and my sister that he had bone marrow cancer. i mean, at the time i was speechless. i was seven at the time so…what was i supposed to think? he looked just fine to me…

but then as the months went by, things got worse. that summer, the cancer really started deteriorating his body from the inside out. he began dropping tens of pounds, getting weaker & weaker. it was the hardest thing to just watch him wither away like that.

about a week or so before i started fourth grade, he had hit an all-time low. he was sent to the emory hospital in atlanta & my mom went with him. i had to stay with my close friend maggie for the rest of august. it was weird.. not being able to live in my own house. & on top of that, maiya and i were separated. i didn’t get to see her for weeks.

after about the third week, a family friend took me up there to see them. i’ll never forget it.

walking into the hospital room, i could only imagine the look i had on my face. i hardly recognized him. he had dark circles around his eyes, his cheeks had sunken in, he looked like half the person i remembered.

i kept thinking, this isn’t my dad, this can’t be my dad….why is he getting fed thru a tube??? i just don’t understand.

but then my visit had to get cut short because he had to get tests done on his kidneys since they had been failing on him.

still till this day, i have the stuffed flamingo that i bought from the hospital gift shop. i’ll always keep it.

october 9, 2004. my oldest sister bianca had come down to visit my dad because he had been getting worse & was stuck on bed rest now that he was back home. it was a sunday and we had just come home from skating. i followed my usual routine: come home, go back to my parents’ room, talk to my dad, tell him how my day had been, hug & kiss him, then leave. i did it all the time whether he was awake or not, i knew he was still listening. 

well, this time he happened to be sleeping. i was getting ready to leave & was giving him a hug & kiss, when i noticed that his heart wasn’t beating..and he was really cold. 

at the time, we had been getting a lot of house guests who were coming to pay him a visit. i went into the living room & told my mom that daddy’s heart wasn’t beating. one of the guests was an RN, so they both went back into the bedroom to check on him.

fifteen minutes.

they came back & said “he’s gone.”

i will NEVER forget that night. i think i was the last one to really believe what had just happened. everyone in the house was holding each other in tears.. i went back into the room to sit by him & just hold his hand. i didn’t wanna believe it.

still till this day, i blame myself for it. i just think “what if i would’ve come a little earlier? maybe i could’ve saved him.” 

i became really closed off emotionally. i hated myself. year have gone by & i had still had suicidal thoughts. i’ve overdosed on pills, starved myself, cut, came close to running in front of cars. just so i could hurry & be with him again.

but then i always remind myself of the pain i would be causing other people. and i’d just hate myself even more for having anyone else go thru what i went thru.

i carry it with me everyday, constantly wondering what it would be like if he were still here. i miss him so much.. he didn’t even get to see me blossom into the young woman i am today. never got to see me at a dance competition, sing in a talent show or chorus concert. & i hate it.

it’s so hard not having him here with me, but i just try to look at the positive side of things. that’s why i’m almost always smiling. i don’t like getting people’s sympathy because it just makes me feel pity for myself & i don’t want that.

this is the reason why i cherish the little things in life today. when i get to see him again, i want to be able to share all of the things i got to experience. & tell him how much i love him again <3

*sigh* sorry this was like a harry potter book :* but, i hope this opened your eyes a little..